Peek-a-Boo

I like lunch time very much, as it is a time I get to observe people and will occasionally experience an interesting phenomenon...the "Peek-a-Boo" phenomenon. I just finished having nasi daun pisang for lunch today at Kanna's and was about to leave ...there it was "Peek-a-Boo" waving at me. When something wave at you how lah not to look.

This butt crack just crawled out of this girl's pants and started waving at me...mind you it waved at me first ok! Instinctively I would match the butt crack back to the face, wanna to see who the owner is muh. If muka "cun"... wooohoo, if not try not to puke lor... but judging from the size of the pants it crawled out from at Kanna's, I resisted to look at the face...else RM10.60 go to waste.

It was not without great effort to resist my naughty tendency to slowly creep up the butt-crack and yell "Hello" with the top of my lungs each time a butt crack waved at me... will I get a "HELLO HEllo hello" echoing back at me...still a mystery to me.

There was this once, this butt cracked jumped out at me and just didn't want to leave my sight...worst still it was at church. It escaped this loosely worn pants and the "tali-G" didn't really restrain it...so it kept going "Boo, look at me, Boo". Gosh...it was really a testing time at church...lead me not into temptation and deliver me from the butt crack. Peek-a-Boo" isn't something new, I just pray the next time it happens the owner isn't some guy...aiyoh "CHOY CHOY CHOY" suey man...kena mandi bunga for 1 week leh.

I just wonder, why is this phenomenon quite common...it is fashion to use less cloth to make pants? or people buy Rm10 for 3 taifu from pasar malam...the lastik only last for a month before it becomes longgar and butt crack escapes and do the "Peek-a-Boo" or both? The truth is out there.

Off to find the KRAKEN, Capt says Au Revoir.

PAIN

I'm in pain today, hurt my thumb (left hand) playing futsal yesterday...came face to face with a buffalo for a striker who fired a thundering shot straight at my thumb. Initially I thought it was broken, ...phew thank God it wasn't. Ouch ouch...freaking thumb swelled up and if it was green it would look like "tuty's" (my colleague lah) cactus.

Top 5 pain encountered:

5) Infected in-grown toenail - always cut your toenail straight, leave the sides alone (ok doctor TQ for telling me...now)
4) Gastic pain that lasted for 2 weeks - don't play play with this one, it can put a hole in your stomach...this pain can make you expire one.
3) Toothache, embedded wisdom tooth - had to go for surgery cos the stoopid tooth din fully come out
2) Kidney stones - got a grain of sand in the kidney and had to go thru 4 hours of hell...remember no more salt in coke and bloody drink more water
1) Tormented by odd balls - unless they legalised owning a gun...I dunno what else can make this pain go away.

Going to "chiak" painkillers, Capt says Au Revoir.

R u getting "it"

The Star 25 Feb 09:

Interesting revelation:

[A surprisingly high number of Malaysians are not sexually satisfied, a survey by pharmaceutical company Pfizer has revealed. Two out of three Malaysian men and three out of four women are not satisfied with their sex lives, the Asia-Pacific Sexual Health and Overall Wellness survey stated. Malaysians are ranked sixth among 13 countries but, if it’s any consolation, Singaporeans fared worse. They are in eighth spot.] …YAAAAY Wooohooo!!!

The survey goes on to reveal more interesting stuff… satisfaction is a function of how “keras” little bother is and there is a scale to measure “kekerasan”….FUYOH!!, read on:

[The survey links the level of erection hardness to sexual satisfaction for men.” said Dr King during a roundtable discussion at a hotel here yesterday. The level of erection hardness is measured in a scale of one to four using the Erection Hardness Score (EHS) developed by the European Association of Urology.

“Level one is like tofu where the male organ is large but not hard, level two is similar to a peeled banana where it’s not hard enough for penetration, level three is like an unpeeled banana where it’s hard enough for penetration but not completely, and level four is similar to a cucumber where it’s completely hard and fully rigid,” explained Dr King.

40% of Malaysian men reported that they experienced erection below grade four. Compared to their EHS grade four counterparts, these men have sex less often, are less sexually satisfied, and may suffer from lack of self confidence, or worse, depression. “We found that greater sexual satisfaction is strongly associated with greater satisfaction with life overall. Generally, men and women who are highly satisfied with their sex life have a more positive outlook on their relationships and life.]

Let me make I thing clear, I’m NOT in the 40% OK. I’m generally happy, no depression…..so what does it tell you? I’m basically getting “it” and a grade five…ha ha ha ha (I kill me).

To the 40% Malaysian men here is your silver lining...you all are getting “it” more than your southern cousins…wooohooo…"Malaysia 1-up". So Malaysia “kia” don’t think working in Singapore is cool…you might end up not getting “it”…worst still you might even forget how to do “it”…imagine what life would be then, expire (die) a virgin. Really sad case.

Capt has left the building and says Au Revoir.

Odd Ball Category

I've met many people from all walks of life, and my observation is that people are generally nice and good, but in all things there are the exceptions. The exceptional ones or shall I say "odd balls" are just basically ... (lack of a better word) people who are different...not special...different. Odd balls, will either make you laugh b'coz of their eccentricity, make you keep your distance b'coz you dunno what they are thinking at the moment or they simply irritate the shit outta you (most of them fall in this category).

When I say odd ball I don't mean criminals, rapist, peverts, thieves etc...they are of a different league. You all can run and hide but karma will come round and bite you on your ass.

OK back to the odd balls, they can be your family (ouch...painful), friends or colleagues (most of them fall in this category). If you do the math; chances are you will find odd balls among your colleagues and will most likely irritate the shit outta you.

I've taken the liberty to categorise odd balls in the following order/classification:

The ones that makes you laugh category:

1. The I see dead people: these are the ones that talk to themselves, just watch them in their cubicle or car...they would smile and talk as though they are having a conversation with someone when there is no one around. Freakishly spooky. My kid brother used to be like this!!...until he got married.

2. The Duhh: 40+ to near retirement single, just strange and cannot click with others. Offend you without knowing it, you would spend time talking about them in the pantry, lunch or skype and have a good laugh about it. I suspect the reason for their behaviour is that they are single and have got a whole lot of pent up sexual frustration. Most likely to expire (die) a virgin.

3. The Einstein: smart fellas but too shy or dunno how to mix with society. They normally hang out with their kind and can talk for hours about things that would normally bore you and me to insanity.

The ones that you keep away from category:

1. Toxic: this fella will kill you with their powerful body odour, i wonder... did an animal crawl up their armpit and died or something? You will know when they are around. Anyone with stuff nose or bad sinus?...toxic might be able to help provide relieve. Poor fellas actually, with little control over their body chemistry....I heard that rubbing limau nipis under the armpit helps....if it doesn't work there is always "sunkist'.

2. MDK (Murder, Death, Kill): people of this category are the quiet loner but damn fierce looking psycho. You dunno if they are plotting to kill you and have you for dinner. They exist but are very rare. I suspect this has something to do with pent up sexual frustration too.

The irritate the shit out of you category:

1. Drama Queen/King: people who blow things out of proportion to get attention. Lack attention as a child, grew up physically not mentally. These are the people who would cry a river and drown the whole world to get attention.

2. Butt Kisser: people who kiss mummy's/daddy's or the bosses ass to get what they want or climb up the food chain. Their speciality...French kissing the ass. When finish pangsai, they will be there to kiss it clean. Low life competing with maggots!!

3. Wikipedia: usually the brainy dude who likes to tunjuk terror. They will be the first to let you know of their accomplishment and academic credentials. You will recognised them as they dress well, slick look and bloody lan-si...lagi lan-si if they got paper from one of the ivy league university. Faggots.

4. Backstabber: just like the butt kisser, but this fella thrives on magnifying your mistakes exponentially. Real CBK....KNN to you.

5. Kutu: major inferior complex, stick to you b'coz you made a mistake of showing them pity...you have to hit them on the head hard to pry them off you leg.

6. "Lau-Sai" Mouth: no secret is safe with this one, the whole bloody world would know. If this fella knows you got home made movies of youself in your phone, you are finished... totally finished...your movies would be on you-tube by lunch time. Confidential, secret, sshhh are keywords that would trigger this fella into a verbal "lau sai"...so when having a conversation with this dude refrain from using such keywords, better still keep to your own council.

7.Shadow: this is a spooky character, stands behind you and watch you work, cruising porn, writing gossip email or msn/skype without you even noticing. You will only know someone is there when this dude open the mouth "ah I want that email, forward to me now". Bloody invader of privacy, careful when you go toilet to pangsai, double check the cubicle make sure nobody around before transacting.

8. Buaya: a guy category, never got a date in his life and paid to get laid. He will hound anyone with boobs. You will hear a soft tune from the movie "Jaws" when he approaches, so ladies run like hell if you hear that tune. You will notice he drools as he talks to you and his eyes are staring at your boobs, you will wonder if he is talking to you or your boobs.

9. Cocker: another guy category, practices very poor hygiene...after pang-jio (peepee) dun wash hand one. Horror, I seen a few of this creatures in my previous previous office...they take the form of office boy to big boss. You will recognise them after a handshake...you hand stinks like cock. They are the ones that tell you banana leaf rice taste like cock...well eat with fork and spoon lah... and it will taste like heaven.

10. 10 cent Face: a lady category, with a 10 cent face I think I do not need to explain about how she looks. You will notice her clothes (including tai-fu and bra), nail polish, shoes and make-up all match perfectly... all same colour one. Spends a lot of time matching herself up with a mission to look "cun". If she wears red, just put a fuse on her head and she would look like a life size firecracker. Stop wasting time lah..10 cents will always be 10 cents, has anyone ever seen 10 cents appreciating to become 20 cents?

Off to lunch now, Capt says Au Revoir.

Flower Bath

Woke up early this morning, hoping to punch in early at work today (have been trying to achieve this all this while but alas to no avail....but I shall persevere, I'll not give up). Drove outta from my home...met with my first obstacle...traffic light...murid sekolah crossing the jalan. Cleared obstacle in 5 minutes...phew...doing good time.

Arrived at the highway of stress, ....JAM....JAM!? Rite in front of my housing taman....apa jadi? Switch mode to snail pace...crawling...crawling (my PC at home moves faster than this)...found the culprit...2 to be precise...2 cars parked at the side of the road at different locations of the lebuhraya. 1 was the result of an accident, the other ...sigh no minyak (hey lady why do you have to wait until your car mati before you go pump minyak, along LDP the nearest petrol station is at IOI and you are at TESCO....walk lah you, exercise a bit you look fat anyway @#*^)

Horror running late oredi, arrived at the Sunway toll...what a sight...ocean of cars. Bugger!! those of you paying cash will you get the @#*^ off the touch & jalan lane....arrghh C*** B** ...malaysian mentality...the moment you signal the more they will prevent you from switching lanes. Cars were packed so dense with one another that I could wind down my window and write my name on the dust covered car next to me...stressful stressful. Turn on the radio to soothe my nerves...Spurs kicked the shit outta Hull City 2-1...woooohoooo....things are starting to look better now.

Got outta jam and was thinking about spurs victory took the wrong turn ended up in kelana jaya instead of highway perseketuan.....spoke to soon about things starting to look better huh. Managed to manouver and got to highway perseketuan....jam pulak...WTF? Crawl crawl to the office....double F*** .... forgot to bring my tag, cannot masuk office. Feeling like a dodo, went to the security smiling....encik lupa bawak tag....mintak IC...tima kasih. Got my tag, masuk office 45 minutes late. Is this a sign of a bad day begining? When shit happens it happens all at once... speaking from experience lah. Maybe I should mandi bunga lah....what bunga to use ah?

To save time tomolo, I'll pangsai and eat breakfast at the office...that should give me a good headstart of 15 minutes.

Till I mandi bunga, Capt says Au Revoir.

Khaakk Ptooiii

I was driving home last evening tailing the dude in a "matrix" along jalan old klang. Traffic light turns green and I was inching my way home and suddenly this "matrix" dude went "khaaakk ptooiii" outta his side window. To my disgust, this "CBK" didn't even give a rats ass whether there was a car beside him.

I still could remember quite cleary that oyster looking snort that came outta his mouth flying in slow motion....swan lake in mid air and spalt... landing on the road, missing the on-coming car by a few inches...talk about impeccable timing man. If he had been a little faster, this dude would be scraping "CBK's" DNA sample from his car when he gets home.....eeeewww gross puke puke.

In this time and age I would expect us to be more civilised and educated, but why do we have "CBK's" going around "khaakk ptooiii"? WTF dude, can't you wait till you get home or at least spit on a piece of tissue?? Is this your way in venting out some of your suppressed pubescent anger?? Sad to say, there are a lots of "CBKs" like this dude out there....you all disgust me!! Stop leaving your DNA samples on the road, I don't want my tyres running over them....middle finger to all you "CBKs".

Set sails, we're outta here. Capt says Au Revoir.

Things I learned over the years

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is to stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are
just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes
suspicion, not proof to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about 15 minutes.
After that, you better have a big willy or huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare ourself to others,
they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep vomitting long after you
think you are finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do,
unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a realtionship is at first,
the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take it's place.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something doesn't work at your home,
one of your kids did it.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken away from you too soon,
and all the less important ones just never go away.

Till another cookie thought pops in, Capt says Au Revoir.

Hypertension

The Star 20 Feb 09:

Disturbing facts from the paper:

- As high as 43% of Malay­sians aged 30 years and above are prone to getting hypertension
- It is now estimated that there are 4.8 million individuals with hypertension in Malaysia
- It is also alarming to note that two-thirds of Malaysians with hypertension were unaware they had the disease

What is happening to us all?? Hypertension at 30.....horror, un-thinkerble....is it our lifestyle that is to be blamed? Are we so kiasu climbing the food-chain that we forget our health? Are we so busy making a living that we forget to live?

Imagine driving to work one day not knowing you have hypertension...suddenly your body give up...your mentol went kapoot....crashed your car and die.....causing traffic jam all the way to JB....sad & scary ain't it. Take care of your health people, you only live once.

I suggest 3 things:
- eat lotz and lotz of vege (shut-up and listen to your mom for once)
- play sports/exercise (register to be a hamster at fitness first or watever fitness.....running on treadmills muh...look like hamster rite)
- saving the best for last, my favourite....have lotz & lots of sex (boss today MC ok, semalam marathon lah)

Till I come to port again, Capt says Au Revoir.

Cancer warning for Talcum Powder

The Star 17 Feb 09:

"Magnesium silicate hydroxide, also commonly known as talc, is the main ingredient in baby, medicated and designer perfumed body powder. CAP president S.M. Mohamed Idris said the latest findings from the United States suggested that women who used talcum powder were 40% more likely to suffer from ovarian cancer."

Wow, what a revelation and scary stuff this is. Hmmm, how is it that women who uses talcum powder is 40% more likely to suffer ovarian cancer I asked....here is what the Star wrote:

“Researchers have found talc particles in ovarian tumour and they have also discovered that women with ovarian cancer used talcum powder on their genitals more frequently than healthy women”.

Another revelation, I know women used talcum powder on their body.... but on the genitals?? This is the first for me. Ok call me ignorant .....whatever. I'm just curious to know...WHY?? I can't compute this...help!!! Gatal is it? Isn't there medication over the counter or something? Imagine ...... powder white around the pubic area and a wet spot ..... Hilarious....LOL.

CAP goes on to say, “Consumers should revert to using the traditional ‘bedak sejuk,’ which is made of rice flour or powder made from corn flour”.

I know CAP meant well, but "bedak sejuk" this takes the cake...ha ha ha. Bedak sejuk comes in small pellets and u need to mix with a little water for it to be a paste. It is applied on the face by makcik makcik aunty auntie to keep cool....as I understand it lah. Now imagine pasting bedak sejuk all the way down "south", rambut "pubika" pun jadi putih lor and when the it dries it will form a crust...which would flake and fall off when you use the toilet.....with the tell tale sign on the floor it doesn't take CSI to figure out the last person using this cubicle pakai bedak sejuk. This curious mind of mine just went hyper, didn't take my medication this morning I suppose.

Anyone reading this who can shed some light on the area where the sun don't shine,...please satisfy my curiosity.

Till next time, Capt Jack Pipit says Au Revoir.