Toilet Story

Chilling with Master Chief "Tut" is like watching the discovery channel...something to discover each day. Today, I discover the that some of our ladies at our floor have got appalling toilet habit. What I'm writing here was described to me by the Master Chief. Once she was pee peeing in the toilet, and as she turns to her left...sticking on the cubicle wall was a sanitary pad...awww. What the hell was this person thinking, nak buat statement ke?

This morning as Master Chief was about to go make her investment at the "tandas pompuan" bank, she noticed something perculiar about the cubicle as she swang open the door. Toilet bowl clean, floor clean...but the toilet seat at both sides have stain of...of...eeeww shit...GROSS. Immediately she lost the urge to lepas, now still sangkut inside her.

The culprit: 1) must have ceret beret, 2) did not sit on the toilet seat, 3) must have stained panties and 4) is a freaking mongoloid retard. How did I come to such a conclusion...hah...elementary. Let me explain;

1) Lets go for the easy one first, if she had sat on the toilet seat it would have gone straight down and not hit the side of the toilet seat. My guess is she was standing with her ass hovering about 6 inches above the toilet seat. Squatting on the toilet seat would break it.

2) Ceret beret...b'cos when the ceret beret shit comes outta your ass-hole its like a shot from a shot-gun, it spreads...that explain how the side of the seat is stained. This also support the theory that the culprit was standing. If she didn't ceret beret the shit would be in a straight line and hit the water with a "thuumb" and the sides would be clear...but thats not the case.

3) The floor was dry, so it means she didn't wash. See...for her to wash standing the floor would be wet. Since she was standing in the first place, she wouldn't be sitting to wash. Now that the seat is stained...lagi she won't sit. Therefore, she must have used toilet paper to wipe...eeewww...and you know using toilet paper is never clean one (see my earlier blog on "Cuci ke tak?").

4) Any normal human being would not have done this for the poor cleaner lady to cleanup and for the other toilet users to gross out, therefore...freaking mongoloid retard.

Why is it so difficult to lace the toilet seat with toilet paper and do business? Chances of anyone making a mess is rather remote...don't you think so. If you want to catch the culprit, go find the person with skid marks on the taifu.

Civilised thinking takes 1 light year backwards in the toilet. Capt says Au Revoir.

Tikus Freeload 2

We have got a tikus infestation in the office, I'm not talking about the 4 legged small furry kind but the 2 legged ball-less kind. This is a sequal to my earlier post, 1st officer Zee would always have two container of junkfood on her table. Lately her generousity seems to have been taken advantage of again. After the muruku incident, we had a calm time...no tikus...suddenly the tikus tikus re-appeared...and I got a name for you.

1st officer Zee brought this "Rempeyek" to share with us. Kinda generous of her as it came all the way from Kedah, send to her by her beloved "buffalo". Instead of makan sendiri, she shared with us...1 big container...filled to the brim. 2 days passed no sign of the tikus, I suppose when the tikus saw a tiger guarding the "Rempeyek" they all back away...waiting for the right time to hijack. At the end of day 2 I was looking for something to chew and made my way to the container. Missing!....it was missing...how can this be? Not far away I saw a group of tikus happily enjoying the "Rempeyek". Shit! muka tembok, tengah meeting and you hijack orang punya "Rempeyek". What can I say...container not mine...I balik my place and pack up.

Next morning, I came face to face with an angry tiger. Container is...EMPTY!!! and tikus tikus sekalian didn't own up. Tikus tikus yang tak ber-balls hijack her "Rempeyek". All the way from Kedah and kena hijack. How can people so inconsiderate...makan habis at least inform lah people or buy somethng back in exchange...pandai pandai jaga hati lah. Simple courtesy pun tak erti..."bowl real"! (mangkuk betul).

So officially I'm naming the tikus tikus as follows "cibai maus" for the betina and "ball-less maus" for the jantan. They should be included in mouse-hunt, and to attract them used "muruku cheese" or "rempeyek cheese".

To calm an angry hungry tiger you give it food, but how do you calm an angry "itchy" tiger??? Capt says Au Revoir.

What's in the name?

Your "Name" I feel is precious and important to your image...it is your name that would carry you or sink you. Thats why I always make it a point trying to remember a person's name and to make sure I pronounce it right. Getting this correct shows respect...if you ask me.

I can't help but to think that there are some people out there who do not realised the significance or trivalize the significance of their own name or when naming a child. For example "Do Do Cheng"...I don't think its cool to name yourself after an extinct bird...but it seems to be the case for some Hongkies. "DoDo" can be interpreted as stupid...Dodo is a stupid bird...thats why they are extinct. I've never heard of the name "Hacken" until this one HK pop star rose to stardom. Why "Hacken"...cos his chinese name is Lee Hak Kan...kinda silly ain't it...repeating your name. I'm not saying you don't have the right to choose your own name, but I'm suggesting choose wisely.

It is very popular among the chinese that their carries a certain auspicious meaning. I met this dude from mainland China and introduced himself as "Mansion"...yup you know "Mansion" as in the big house. Having the name "Mansion" in you chinese name may sounds ok but as an English name...kelakar lah! "Mansion" went on to introduce his friend to me, "Pussy" is her name, not shitting you here...I dare not ask if she likes cats. I shall say no more. Why can't people stick with more traditional english names? Boring is a reason I can think off,... rather be boring and safe if you ask me.

Choosing a name would mean you have to live with it for the rest of your life, be careful when choosing a name for your kid. You can imagine the ridicule from his/her peers...kids are cruel. I read on a newspaper that this physics teacher called his kids..."proton, neutron & electron". Imagine, Capt Proton Pipit...eeew...just shoot me. Stick to the conventional names lah...sigh.

Finally make sure you know how to spell your chosen name lah. I was at this cake shop and there was this parent bukan main lansi...after they had chosen the cake I overheard the mother saying to the shop assistant in a condescending tone in cantonese "Happy Birthday to Carmen Michael" (translated). "How to spell ah?" ask the shop assistant. To my horror both the parent's couldn't spell "Carmen Michael"...they went like "K-A-R-M-U-N " to "K-A-R-M-A-N". Nak name glamour but tak tau spell...sigh...another reason for sticking to conventional names. I left the shop not wanting to know the outcome.

Gravity release me, never ever hold me down...and my feet won't touch the ground. Capt says Au Revoir.

El Chupacabra

I was watching "Monster Quest" at Astro channel 555 last night. It was about "Chupacabra" or the goat sucker from the Central America (see picture).

It's a creature that sucks blood from farm animal, farmers would find their chicken, goats or cows dead minus the blood. More like a vampire in the animal kingdom.

Interestingly incidents were first reported in Puerto Rico then moved over to Central America then latest was in Texas, US of A. They even had photos of it, more like a dog with 4 huge fangs...not shitting you here, farmers actually shot 3 of them (see picture below).

However, the eyewitness from Central America claimed that it was not dog like rather it walked on 2 feet. So there is a contradiction here...or we have different species of "Chupacabra" running about.

In my office also got a "Chupacabra"...good thing not in my section. Instead of blood this creature sucks the life essence from you. In the end you will be so tense working, suffer from stress and totally "hilang semangat". The office "Chupacabras" cannot be identified at first glance, you need to work with them for you to be able to see their true colours. By then it might just be too late. I wonder if we have "Chupacabra" in our jungle? If we do...guys becareful when you go camping, do you be bonking in the night. Like sharks "Chupacabra" are drawn to blood, it might just give you head and suck you dry and dead. You definately won't die smiling.

"Chupacabra" cannot swim....rite? Damn...man the 12 inch guns. Capt says Au Revoir.

Got spare change Mite?

I was having lunch over at Central Market, as I was admiring the various stuff they got there... my lunch kaki "Smithey" had to go draw some cash from the ATM. A few moment later she came running back saying there is this weirdo at the ATM. Smithey mentioned that this dude had told her he lost his wallet and needed some cash and asked if she could spare him some. All he had with him was a phone-card and he offered to sell it to her. Well I guess he spooked her good...she was outta there so fast even before Superman had time to put on his red taifu.

Smithey was a little guilty for making such a hasty exit. She related the story and asked me what if that dude was genuine. I told not to loose sleep about it as I felt that dude wasn't genuine. Think about it, if you had lost your wallet would you be hanging out at the ATM and offering to trade a phone-card for cash. Cliche if you ask me.

This does not mean I would not assist when there is a cry for help. I suppose I would look at the situation and hear what their story is. Chance are if a person is genuine you can see it from their facial expression and the storyline they tell you flows. A con man tends to cook up story as you probe...the flow isn't there.

I didn't shoot the sheriff. Capt says Au Revoir.

Ronaldo le Drama King

I was watching the football last sunday, Man Utd vs Man City...dang Man Utd won 2-0. They are getting closer to retaining the title. Man City couldn't even offer any resistance...killjoy. The reason I watched the game was that I was hoping that the the score would be in City's favour.

The highlight of the game was the ever famous faggotty "Cristiano Ronaldo". Faggotty boy threw a fit a the boss man after he was substituted early in the 2nd half. Bloody drama king with an oversize ego. I checked the Sun UK and found out he kena kutuk left right center for his outburst...ha ha ha padan muka. Check out that 20 cent sulking face.

Rumour has it Real Madric is willing to cough up a huge chunk of dough for the faggotty boy...take him I say, can't stand the sight of him. We don't need prima donna's in EPL. Hope Man Utd loses...khaakk ptooi.

Take me to where street lights glow. Capt says Au Revoir.

Family XL

The Star 11 May:

"Grik couple have 21 children"

I was reading this article on the couple with 21 kids, the first thing that came to mind was "How did you manage"? The wife was a home-maker and the husband was working in a saw-mill, they mentioned it was tough and tiring. They had to survive on "beras ayam" or broken rice and wore hand-me down clothes. One can only imagine what it was like growing up in that family. How long would a tin of "Milo" last?

For the average family in Malaysia, having 2 kids is already a challenge. You need to provide not only food, clothing, education also health plan insurance...the works. My question to the couple above was "Why go through all those hardship to have 21 kids"? Have you not heard of family planing? Tak syok ke... pakai condom? "Coitus interruptus" would have given you better odds.

Its none of my business to dictate your family size...but as for myself I would not want to put my family through such a situation of difficulty and be deprived of so many things. Others may beg to differ but I would like to live within my means. This is food for thought for you people out there..."Bonk safe I say".

Barracuda makes good sashimi! Capt says Au Revoir.

Goosebumps

1350 Hrs May 8, Capt's log:

Yay...today cuti, replacement leave for wesak day woohoo. Those of you who got to work...wahahaha nyah nyah nyah...dun jealous. Did nothing much except to catch up with some sleep, got 2 hours more today. Was too lazy to lepak outside so I decided to watch the idiot-box.

"Backyard science", astro channel 552 caught my attention. It showed mainly on experiments kids could try at home. Really cool, "ang moh" kids get to play with vineger, baking soda and making a mess in the kitchen in the name of science experiment...and the get away with it. If it was a kid in the average malaysian home...sure kena "kow kow" either from the parents or maid for making a mess. Is this the reason why we are lagging behind "ang mohs" in terms of science and technology?

Well there was this experiment I saw that was interesting..."Goosebumps". They were researching what causes goosebumps...and concluded it was fear, cold and tickling sensation that contribute to it. There 3 elements would cause the muscle at the base of the hair folicle to contract and...voila...goosebumps. "Fear, cold and tickling" huh...what if some horny couple decided to buat project out in the open one night, the fear of getting caught, the chill of the night air and tickling sensation...would all this lead to goosebumps? Would the "rambut pubika" all stand? Imagine someone with hairy butt...suddenly you find hair sticking out from the butt crack...ha ha ha ha...eeeew.

Why Goosebumps? Capt says Au Revoir.

Cruelly Cold

Cold, cruel, heartless, animals...the list can go on...but calling them names would not change a thing. I'm talking about snatch thieves...look at report from the Star 6 May.

["Pregnant woman dies after thieves pull her off motorcycle"

JOHOR BARU: The killers on motorcycles have done it again — this time, snatch thieves took two lives when they tried to rob pregnant Jamilah Selamat. Jamilah, 31, suffered severe head injuries after falling from her motorcycle on Sunday. She died at the Sultanah Aminah Hospital at 7.30am yesterday without regaining consciousness.]

This isn't the only incident, there are others too...

[In 2004, a Nanyang Siang Pau clerk, Chong Fee Cheng, 37, died after she lapsed into a coma following a snatch theft in Taman Molek, Johor Bahru.

In December last year, snatch theft victim Lim See Nya, 58, was run over by a three-tonne truck when she lost her balance and fell onto the road, after a motorcycle pillion rider grabbed her handbag in Bukit Mertajam.]

What has this world come to? Lives taken away without any feeling of remorse. It pisses me big time...thieves get away with it. I'm tired...tired of worrying for my family & friends...why do we need to live in fear? What are the cops doing? At times I wish I could be "Capt Jack Almighty"...snatch thieves...you would be on the top tier on my list of people that would cook in hell...next would be rotten corrupted politicians of course. Alas, sigh...this is just wishful thinking...we need to pray for the safety of our love ones, pray that God would deal with this heartless brutes swiftly, pray that the work of the enemy fails...

Repent now or become fuel for hell. Capt says Au Revoir.

Way of the Pipit

5 May, 1230Hrs lunch-time:

I was on the way of to lunch with ensign "Tom-Cat", master chief "Tut" & boss of master chief, heading towards KFC. On the way outta the basement my radar picked up 11 high 2 bogies. Heading straight in my path, long range scan picked up 2 "chickerdee". So I switch to my kung-fu mode, "see but not see" kung-fu...cuci mata. Not bad looking lah the 2 "chickerdee"...especially the eurasian one. Pakai ketat ketat...hot looking.

Suddenly out of the blue, "Hey you checking out the 2 girls right"...alamak...got caught red handed by master chief "Tut". My mind was racing to find some plausible excuse to deny..but she came back with another jab "Dun pretend lah, my former colleagues were guys too...sure see one". Bummer, my kung-fu didn't work this time round...got beaten by another kung-fu exponent. Master chief "Tut" 1 Capt 0.

On hindsight, I should have let them walk ahead of me...then can cuci mata and not get caught. Kena kantoi today. Must develop new kung-fu style...I must.

Must develop a new kung-fu style..."Way of the Pipit", Capt says Au Revoir.

Curi Makan

Read this...kelakar betul..."The Star, 5 May"

" A SECRETARY accidentally bit off the penis of her employer while giving him oral sex in a car. Sin Chew Daily and China Press reported yesterday that while the 30-year-old woman was performing oral sex on the man, the car was hit by a reversing van. The impact of the crash, China Press reported, caused the woman to bite off her lover’s organ. The daily reported that the incident occurred in a Singapore park where the couple met after work.

To make matters worse for the woman, her husband had sent a private investigator to spy on her after suspecting that she was being unfaithful. The investigator said he had followed the woman and her boss to the park. “On reaching the park, they did not alight from the car. Not long after, the car started to shake violently.
After the car was hit by the van, there was a loud scream from the woman whose mouth was covered with blood,” he said. The woman later followed her lover to the hospital with part of the sexual organ. The investigator, who called an ambulance to send the man to hospital, said that this was the first time he had encountered such an incident. "

The moral of the story is...guys, when you are getting head do not startle your wife/girlfriend...she might accidentally bite it off...OUCH! I think its' poetic justice...think you could get away with bonking somebody's wife huh...horny Singaporean maggot.

I can imagine how difficult it was for them to explain to the doctor on how it happened...tougher still explaining to their spouse on their infidelity. Siapa suruh curi makan?

Its' not getting what you want that matters...its' wanting what you got. Capt says Au Revoir.