Bearish Market

23 Mar 09, lunch time...

"Ding" the elevator door opened, me and my first officer "Zee" walked in. Hello...lookee here, "Adeline" is with us in the elevator...chatting away with her friends. In my previous blog "Koyak", I mentioned that she was kinda OK looking from afar...just that her butt moves from left to right. So , I kaypoh a bit lah...eeeew...her voice sounds like a tikus squeeking away...and there are LRT tracks on her teeth (braces).

"Crash" stock market... crash big time. Quick Zee let get out of here, I don't want to loose my appetite for lunch. After taking a closer look, tak cun lah. But I let "Adeline" go out first lor...at least can still watch her butt go left right left right.

16 men on a dead man's chest..., Capt says Au Revoir.

"Tinkerbell"... is that you??

21 Mar 09, Stadium Putra Bukit Jalil 1630HRS;

I was at Bukit Jalil catching "Disney on Ice-Princess Wishes", was there at 1550HRS...an ocean of kids I saw. Made my way to the entrance got...met this dude selling pop-corn, thought to myself why not. Took a box and found out it was RM10...bummer...not worth it, should have asked for price first before buying. Then got myself a bottle of coke...double bummer RM3. This is daylight robbery man, paid RM13 for pop-corn and coke...its three times the price I pay at TGV...freaking robbers. I was noticing the kids around me, screaming for their parents to get them all those disney accessories...those robbers had a field day robbing people.

1615HRS

Made my way into the stadium, had to walk up...cos I got the cheapest seat muh! Was inside, not bad the setup...the ocean must have flowed into the stadium...kids kids everywhere. I recalled having been to disney on ice ages ago when I was a kid, can't recall being all that exicited...hmmm maybe then it was probably my parents wanted to watch it more than me.

1630HRS

Light went out, announcement that the show is starting...suddenly there was this lady in green with wings on her back and a magis (konon) wand came out skating all over the arena and she was introduced as "Tinkerbell". The entire stadium erupted with kids cheering and applause...but me. I was thinking that can't be "Tinkerbell", no way that's "Tinky"...why? Well...she's FAT...yup FAT. Gosh look at her thigh man, its as big as a tree...those are the thighs of footballers not "Tinky".

Shit like what happen to disney, can't they find someone slimmer to play the role of "Tinky". C'mon, watch disney channel astro 613..."Tinky" is potrayed as the slim fairy, look at comic books...same...slim. Even the movie "Hook", Julia Roberts and not Rosie O'Donald played the role of "Tinkerbell" and she was slim ...not to forget...hot too. Aww c'mon disney, you can fool the kid but you can't fool me...thats no "Tinkerbell"...thats a fat girl in a green suit with wings prancing around.

Fat absolutely fat, I bet those little wings of hers can't lift her fat ass of the ground...and those killer thighs, they are bigger than Zidane's...and she dun look pretty at all. I want my money back!!! Somewhere along the show "Tinkerbelle" flew and the kids went wild with ...oooooooo. Kids...yo stoopid kids...can't you see they are using cables to lift her up...arrgghhh...bodoh. Parents tell your kids the truth, that the fat girl can't fly. I suppose I didn't really enjoy the show much, was waiting for it to end...finally it happened 1815HRS...finito.

Made my way hastily out to the cark-park...gosh ocean of stoopid kids with their parent. I wonder if the parents brought their kids to a sham show, was to erase the guilt of not spending time with their child. Whatever, at least my day was not all too bad...Spurs beat Chealsea and MU bites the dust again...ha ha ha ha.

"Tinkerbell" don't fly too close to the BlackPearl, we will shoot you down with our cannons...we shit you not!!

Davy Jones is a pussy, Capt says Au Revoir.

"Makcik"

I had a wonderful day at the office today, sitting down having meeting for almost the entire day...totally drained. Tomorrow is another day...shoot me pleeeze! Its not the meeting that is dreadful but more the torture and torment I need to put up with from the "makcik".

Who is the "makcik"? She comes from the dark abyss from the land of Hedge aaR, short, ugly with a bad attitude. Look like a cross between the troll from "Lord of the Rings" and a cow. The short, ugly and bad attitude are the attibutes of the troll, the sagging boobs are inherited from the cow.

"Makcik" torments me by opening her mouth when its not required, offering suggestions that cannot pakai one. The worst part is "makcik" thinks she is right...she will "lan-sily" tell you off. So when the good Capt ("moi") tembak balik, "makcik" will crawl back under the rock she came from waiting to pounce again. What I beh tahan is sudah kena tembak so many times still dunno how to shadup, worst still..."lan-si" lagi. Soooo geram I feel like ripping her bra off, shaff it down her throat and tie her sagging boobs into a knot or bow.

Sigh....what to do, all organisation got its fair share of irritant. Maybe I should use her as bait to catch the "Kraken". Come to think of it better not... so ugly the "Kraken" might just spit her out and go for my ship instead...hmmm. Ah well, I'm off to play futsal...release tension. May tomorrow be a good and fruitful day.

I'm having barracuda for dinner, Capt says Au Revoir.

"Koyak"

Burrrppp!!...just finished lunch...thought I might as well write something, lest I fall asleep on my desk. On my way out for lunch with my pirate mates there was this girl who shared the same elevator with us. I took the opportunity to "cuci mata" lah, so so looking la...petite...and I skillfully tengok her name tag, tengok apa nama. This takes years of practice ok...to "look but not look"...especially if you look at boobs. Ah, your name is "Adeline".

Elevator hit ground floor, door opened...after you Adeline. What caught my attention was the way she walked. Left right left right, swinging like a pendulum was her butt. If I were to tie 2 drums by her waist, it would go "tum, tum, tum, tum". Aiyoh...I asked my 1st pirate officer "Zee", "apasal jalan cam tu huh, sengaja atau apa?"

"Hmm...tu lah dah koyak...Capt", Zee replied. "Koyak?!"...Fuyoh! and I turned my attention to Zee, and said "You also koyak but dun walk like that"." I jaga Capt, if dun jaga wan ah bola golf pun boleh masuk", my 1st officer replied.

Good heavens, who or what have she been doing "it" with until bola golf boleh masuk...King Kong? "That's not the worst I've seen Capt, some ah... sampai air pun flow out", Zee continued. "Water flow out, surely this cannot be real", I said. "Betul Capt, bila main nanti...bukan banjir kilat...Tsunami!", Zee said and from the looks of Zee's face, its' no joke. Fuyoh of Fuyoh...Tsunami!!

Yesterday was bunyi, today...Tsunami...this is better than discovery channel I tell you. I was so engrossed with this revelation, I lost sight of "Adeline Kiri Kanan". My take on this to you ladies, if you koyak oredi lay off the brocolli, tembikai, straws and please lah exercise or jaga sikit. If not, it will "bunyi" and tsunami will wash you away.

Mermaids are not real, Capt says Au Revoir.

"Bunyi"

I was minding my business as usual in the office, when something on a magazine at Zee's table caught my eye. It say's "Mengapa Vagina Berbunyi Ketika Hubungan Intim"...the first thing that went thru my mind was...can make sound one ah...FUYOH. Well, instinctively I went on to educate myself. Oooh I see, "Queef" or "flatus vaginalis" is air forced out of a girl’s vagina, such as during vaginal sex . Wow...at first glance when I saw the title, I thought the vagina could talk or something...if it could say "hello"...that would be awesome.

Queef is caused by the elasticity of the vagina muscle...hmm?! The magazine went on further to say that drinking using a straw can cause air to be trapped in the vagina?? Is this for real??...which mouth is thirsty lah? Eating certain type of food can also cause air to be trapped...eg nuts, cabbage and brocolli. "Doggie style" also can cause air pockets to be trapped...this is all so new to comprehend...hilarious. If you don't believe me, go buy this magazine "famili harmoni" March issue, RM4 only.

I dunno how this sounds like...but I can't help but remembering a song I sang at kindergarten. It goes like this: ayam bunyi kokok kok kok kok, burung bunyi pipit pit pit pit...vagina bunyi ?????

Shiver me timbers, Capt says Au Revoir.

"Hantu"

Have you seen a ghost before? What would you do when you see one? "Low-sai" on the spot, faint or scold bad words (ha ha ha...like lah the ghost understand). The other day a friend of mine showed me a video clip of a ghost captured on CCTV at CIMB bank... looked fake lah. I forwarded it to a few of my friends and standard answer...fake lah. So, I asked around lor if they have had any experience before. One did mentioned that my office is haunted...said one day she was alone in the office at 8pm, she heard the computer keyboard typing by itself at the cubicle diagonally in front of her and the photocopy machine was running itself. Shit...I'm moving to that cubicle next month. The ladies toilet at my floor is said to be haunted too, careful...ada hantu tengok "car-chng"...is this the "car-chng kooi"?...ha ha hah. Hear load of stories lah, haunted dengkil road, demonic possession, 3rd eye etc.

I've not had an encounter myself, but here is my take on subject. They are for real and strangely both men and women will tend to attract different spiritual beings. Let me explain;

Men have a tendency to see angels; any guy who see a beautiful girl will say its an angel...even James Blunt wrote it in his song. If this is the case, I've seen many in my lifetime not to forget I see 10cent face too. Joanne Kam Poh Poh once mentioned on the radio, there was this "hamsup" dude she spoke to did mentioned that if he put his face on women's boobs he will hear angels sing. There, proof enough for you?... I've never heard angels sing yet...maybe I was to busy with something else...he he he wink.

Women tend to see ghost, sorry but true if you are good looking. Good looking women tend to attract the "hamsap kwai" and "yum sap kwai". I don't think you can get rid of them la...use "fu" (amulet) won't work one. Just make sure you dun pakai so revealing lor...else you see the air liur meleleh from the "yum sap" ghost or the "ham sap" ghost will try to touch your boobs. So be careful lor ladies.

Sink the Flying Dutchman!!, Capt says Au Revoir.

"Cagu"

My battle with the "Cagu" (in-grown toenail) has finally come to an end last evening...Capt Jack Pipit emerged the victor...woohoo. I've been battling this problem since 1 year ago...bontot gatal lor...go and cut my toenail too deep and the "cagu" spreads its ugly head or revenge. It grew and poke on the tender flesh on the left side of the left big toe. I didn't bother about the pain at first but s*** it got infected and 'si beh thia". I tried treating it but gave up when the infection was so bad that part of the flesh bludge out...ouch ouch ouch. OK go see Dr. The Dr was a young lady and she went "oh dear"...she touch my toe for a good 1 sec and quick wash her hands with disinfectant and hurriedly give me a prescription. Harlo Dr its just a small wound lah, not some sort of ebola plague...touch it and die kinda thing. This is the reason why I don't trust company panel doctors. Ate the antibiotics and got better...swelling subside and wound healed. Yay...I won or so I thought.

As time passes, your toenail grows and it would poke the tender flesh. Each time it happens I would cut the "cagu" only to find it repeating itself. Maybe the "cagu" has a mind of its own, each time I cut it, it would exert revenge the next time by growing deeper and the toenail gets harder. Revenge of the "cagu" I say. It would be a painful and enduring time, each time I try to yank the "cagu" out. If it bleeds I would pour "Betadine" on the wound preventing it from being infected. I didn't do it any justice either, played futsal and having buffalo strikers stamping on my feet...this fellas just seem to know where it hurts...just have to stamp on the big toe of my left feet...ouch!

Last week had another fight with the "cagu" again, this time failed to cut it. It was too deep and too hard...oh oooo...hunted for "scholl" toenail softening lotion. Applied it on the toenail, it got soft but not soft enough for me to pry it out...time is running out...ouch ouch..."cagu" is jabbing the tender flesh ouch ouch. Woke up from bed yesterday morning and decided enough is enough..."I had enough of you, you are coming out for good". I've decide to see a Dr (not from company panel) to have my entire toenail removed, I was prepared to hobble around the office for a week in slippers and bandage for a week. Hey a small price to pay to get rid of the "cagu".

So I got off early to go see a Dr of my own choosing...Dr Wong (from Tmn Paramount behind the shell station). The white haired Dr just smile when he saw the evil "cagu" and said lets remove part of your toenail and that should solve your problem. Part? Did you say part...woohoo... I though you need to remove the entire toenail, but if you say part..."lets get it over and done with". "Cheng cheng"...oooooo "cagu" your time is up.

Dr Wong prepared an injection to flood my toe with anesthetic...scary man...big huge jab but within seconds my toe was numb...the good Dr laughed, "you can chop that toe off and won't feel a thing" he said. Ha ha ha farny farny Dr. Next he took out a scarpel and started to make a groove on my toenail..."I'm just going to cut off 1/3 of your toenail" says Dr Wong..."Painful" he continued. "No" I said putting a brave look but really no pain wor. Next an instrument that looks like a plier was use to break the nail and he yanked it out...eeewww...no pain but was not a pretty sight. He next applied antiseptic liquid on the wound...you can see blood ooozing out. "Any pain" he asked..."only on the right part of my toe Dr...where you thumb is pressing" says me. "Oh...I just anesthesize the left part of your toe, you see... there of 2 nerves on your toe left & right" the good Dr explained. Ok Ok...now I know...but do you have to squeeze the right part of the toe so hard ah? Next he took a scissor to jab the flesh where you toenail begins to check if there are nail remnants...eeew...good thing I didn't feel it.

"There all done"..."your toenail will grow straight from now on just don't cut too deep ya!"...TQ Dr...I won, I finally won...my battle with the evil "cagu" has finally ended...woooohooo. Dr says i can wear shoes the next day, but I'm not risking it...in slippers today maybe shoes tomorrow. 2 things I learned, firstly... cut your toenail horizontally , leave the side alone else "cagu" will come and bite you and secondly... your toe have got 2 nerves ... left and right (is this important?!). Good riddance "cagu".

Death to the "cagu", Capt says Au Revoir.

Cuci ke tak??

Do a little experiment for me will ya... and you will see the relevance to what I'll be writting. OK here goes, right after you had you lunch/dinner stick your thumb into your mouth for about 10 minutes (do this in private if you are shy lah...I'm trying to illustrate a point here the best I can). Next, wipe that thumb of yours with a piece of tissue...under no circumstances are you to wash it. Ok, now that you've done what I said...smell you thumb...tell me what you think. If anyone of you tells me it smells like fresh baked bread...you are nothing but a bloody LIAR!!

The point is, if you do not wash you ass after doing your business it's going to smell much worse than your thumb. Wiping it with tissue ain't going to cut it, if it didn't work for the thumb what makes you thing it will do for the ass? Why I'm telling you all this???...hmm...personal hygiene is important to me ok...nuff said.

I know, not everyone washes...I know the Japanese washes, so does our Malay friends...but not the "angmoh". I know of "angmoh" who tak mandi...tak mandi in our humid weather!?...gosh...if tak mandi what more cuci the car-chng. Poor hygiene I tell you. Think about it for a sec, you doing the 69 and suddenly ...sniff sniff...eeeew...there you go...put off ain't it. Wiping and taking a shower later don't count too...there is a risk of getting skid marks on your taifu...eeeww...worst if you wear g-string...you have a brown string...double eeeew. WASH in name of hygiene!!Still not convinced? Tell me, what would you do if a pigeon poooed on you hand when you take a walk in the park? Look for a toilet to wash it off or wipe it with a piece of tissue and go enjoying the park?

Because of this I'll make sure that if I need to do big business the toilet has to have a hose...to be on the safe side always do business in the morning at home (some training is required). Good thing about toilets in Malaysia is that most of them got washing ass facility...but not in Singapore. I just cannot imagine going to a meeting with your Kiasu cousin who has "pang-sai" smells lingering near the ass...puke puke.

Imagine, you got a someone who is about to give you "head"...and suddenly curses..."#@* KNN... Lampar...boh say car-chng" ...so close yet so far, you blew it. So, its either you wash or you smell.

Off to save the whales, Capt says Au Revoir.

Machine 2 Card-holders 0

5 Mar 9.00PM
Drove to the bank with the tag line "... that never sleeps" lah...you go figure which one la. Wanted to settle my credit card bill, by the time I got the there...WAH!! the queue so panjang until Tesco Puchong. What to do, line up lor have to settle the bill muh...if not kena finance charge.

Sigh...boring queue so long nothing to cuci mata...all "batangs"...got lah a couple of "batang-less"...but not cun at all...no make-up lor b'cos "mandi" already, wash away all the ICI paint on the face. The true face value is exposed...hmm...let me count got 10cents face... 20cents face oso got. Boooring...beratur "ing".

9.15PM
15 minutes already, woohoo 2 more persons in front of me. Spoke too sooon...this fella really "TL". Got so many credit cards to pay...thats OK...maybe..."ah pig", "ah dog", "ah XXX" ask him to help them pay...efficient muh...1 fella pay for so many fellas...shorten the queue...logical. But, the thing I "TL" most is he has to count the money first before slotting into the machine, bugger one freaking big stack of money...can't he just count at home or in the car first before he gets in the bank. The machine also counts for you ...tau tak? But NOOOO, he has to count note by note then only put in the machine, the machine went on like "toot toot toot..." our friend here slow motion...note by note. Yo!!! "LP"...look behind you...queue sampai Tesco Puchong liao..."C** B**" faster lah.

9.25PM
Still there, paying for his card and suddenly the machine went "prrrt"...vomit out RM50...reject. Our fren tried again, machine "prrrt" again. This "TL man" still "boh" understand...change note lah, but he still use back the same note and I keep hearing "prrrt" for the next 5-6 times. Aiyoh, nevermind lah, just come back another day to put in the RM50 lor...but our fren genius...press cancel, machine vomit the whole stack of notes. He slot this RM50 into the stack and feed the machine again..."prrt" again..reject RM50...DUH!!!!...the queue is now all the way to Sunway Toll liao lah. Finally, after another 2 "prrrt" he accepted defeat..the machine wins...make the transaction put the rejected RM50 into wallet and off he goes...dare not even look at queue.

930PM
Yay, finally my turn..."tit tit toot tit"...processing my transaction now, I was "lan si" lah...thought to myself that my notes are all brand new, just withdrawn from the ATM...machine will accept them all...fed RM500 to the machine. "Prrrt"!!!!...WTF... vomit RM250...shit I feel like the CBK I kutuk earlier..."pai seh pai seh". Feed RM250 to the machine..."prrrt"...reject RM200...aiyoh "WHY ME"...feed one more time...take it lah bloody machine these are brand new notes "KNN"..."prrrt" reject RM100. I surrender liao, machine you win....I come back another day to do battle with you. Take my receipt cabut lari lor...dare not look behind.

Moral of the story is "the machine is a C** B** with a mind of it's own". Machine 2 Card-holders 0. You win...for now. Kena mandi bunga liao.

Plot a course to Mauritania, Capt says Au Revoir.

Big Dick Theory

Rihanna made headlines when she got bashed up by boyfren Chris Brown...if you wanna know what a "Chi Tau Ping" looks like...go google it. Its' disgust me that that Chris would beat her up this way...it doesn't matter if she has been a freaking pain in the azz, but a real man wouldn't beat up a woman...so Chris Brown you ain't a man and KNN to you CBK.

But this takes the cake here...Rihanna is going back to the faggoty Chris...WTF?... this fella say soli soli and you go back to him??? I could only wonder...did Chris beat her so hard she went stupid or something? or... Chris got a "Big Dick!!". How in the world a successful artist like Rihanna not ditch a woman beater, there are lots more men out there...good ones I mean. This supports my "Big Dick" theory. I can agree with the forgiving him shit but going back as an item with faggoty...simply unbelievable. Whats wrong with the picture here?

No eye see, its your life. See how the sky keep you and him.

Right full rudder, Capt says Au Revoir.

4 Rules

I've been in the work scene for slightly above 13 years and I'm still dreaming for the day I clear all my commitments or retire early. Until and unless something like a couple of million of dollars suddenly appearing in my bank account, I'm destined to work until retirement.

This means I would have to be on a look out for those poison people you work with. They are everywhere, you can't escape them coz every organization have them. So best be on the look out. Here are 4 rules I adhere to:

Rule#1: Trust No One,... ya I know...X-Files also have muh...but it a good rule to follow...why...see what happened to all of Mulder's informer...mati kong kiau liau.

Rule#2: Remember Rule#1...if not don't blame me if you get bitten on your ass...I'll be there to say "I told you so" nyah nyah nyah.

Rule#3: Always cover you ass or "car-chng"...what in the world the cc is for in your email...not carbon copy, rather "cover car-chng". Work and think smart OK! ...bcc is there to remind you for very important stuff you "better cover car-chng"...ada faham?

Rule#4: Don't talk too much...don't open yourself up, loose lips gets you killed...every organisation has 1 or 2 "lau sai" mouth (go see my blog on "Odd Ball Category").

Watch the port side, Capt says Au Revoir

Carling Cup

Watched the Carling Cup last night, which ended this morning at 2am with MU winning the penalty shootouts...booohooo hooooo WHHYYYY!! Bloody spineless MU, they deserve to win nothing...nothing I say.

Though Spurs played well with Modric, Lennon threatening the attack and King holding the fort...alas...sigh. If only Spurs played the way they did in the premier league they would be in the top 10 of the league. Ditch Bentley and Bent I say, Keane and Dafoe can lead the attack.

There goes the silverware for Spurs, now its up to them pulling themselves out of the relegation zone.

Will go drown my sorrows with Bootstrap, Capt says Au Revoir.